&& Heartache.

I know were not together but we might as well be af the samd tims…

But lately i get so mad my blood boils when i speak tk him. Every day i just make him angry some how. Everyday we never hAve an interestin talk… Its always up to me to make interesting convo but how can i when i get ine word answers or he doesnt seem to even want to talk?

No hell just start talking to me at 5am then drop the convo when he wants.

I feel neglected.

I hate his relationship with all his little fuck buddies. I hate that i dont know anything. I hate feelig so insecure but knowing that i love him. I hate feeling like stepha going to fucking come back.

She deaded him basically when he needed her the most just cuz of luke. So if she comes back, will he want her again even after she deaded him? Why should it matter luke saw? If she relly liked him shed keep talking to him because luke shouldnt be a factor in who her friends are…. Honesty. If he takes her back ill be broken forever; ti the point i mah never e able to look at him again.

I want to tell him i dont want to talk anymore because in just so torn right now. We got a lot of thigs on the table all of a sudden but then at the same time thigs just cracked.. Everyday i feel like im cautiously stepping around our friendship when ishouldnt have to. The night i fristrated him he asked me to tell him stories about me to calm him down. Ive been frustrated for four days and nothing. I ask everyday and nothig.

Im so sure of what i want…. But why does it have to be so hard? I want help i cant do this alone!!!

I feel like im back with benny all over again… Butthis time its worse… So mich worse. Because of what he does and because this time i really love thos person. More than anything.

And right now? All he doe is act the same if not worse than benny. Hell, i feel diablo 3 is more important or interestin to him. Its that whole ignore-meghan-play-game-24/7 thing all over.

Why? Why is it so hard? Why cant he throw me een the smallest bone? I NEED help; i cant do this alone!! I need HIS help.

Yout tell me I need to be more confident.

Well, how can I be?

I don’t think i’m pretty or smart, I think all I ever do is annoy people and get in their faces.

You made me feel so confident in myself, even if you never said anything constructive to me (like you look pretty).

And now, I’m just trying to hard. Now i’m just annoying, aggravating.

How do you want me to be confident in myself when the person that means the most to me acts like he hates me? Acts like I’m just another simple girl, going after a million others and saying better things to them?

If you want to have sex with steph instead, how am I supposed to have confidence in myself? You can easily dispose of me, throw me aside. You probably have sex with me but think of her.

How… can i possible be confident, when there’s no reason or proof that I should be or can be?

I’m tired of all this.

I’m tired of always feeling like I’m just a toy to you. You still like me/have feelings for me, are hopefull to try again… if that’s all true, then how do you actually always have sex with all these girls and lead them on.

Just admit you fucking like steph. Admit you want her/to be with her. You give her more attention and more of yourself than me. You think she’s sexy, love talking dirty with her, you actually care and respond to her. 

It makes me sick. I love you, I really do. But you don’t love me.You talk to her about me. She tells you every time we speak. Bullshit. 

I’m so angry I can’t even function; I can’t remember anything, I can’t think straight, I don’t want to do anythign.

I’m not stupid; I see some of your messages. I know you asked Allison how you felt; so random.. why would you do that out of the blue for no reason? I know what you say to steph… I’m not manipulative. I can’t manipulate people because I feel bad; I can barely hurt a fly. You think I’m a schemer, trying to manipulate you just because of what i’m saying. I’m not; i’m just trying to show you all the things you’re dong to me, all the things you’re chaining and breaking me with… all the abuses I take from you.

Fuck you, alright. I don’t even know what to do anymore. 

I was never the ‘whore’ in this. YOU are a whore. Look at all the girls you’re with. You have a handful at your disposal, all thinking you may like them and want to be with them… But you just want sex. That’s all you want. You don’t care about feelings… and if you really liked me that much, you’d care about mine. But you don’t; i’m just annoying, emotionally charged and trying to manipulate you.. that’s all i’m doing in your eyes. There’s no reason to listen to me - because it’s not your fault or problem - or care for what i have to say -because it’s always the same. But it never changes; never gets better. That’s why it’s always the same you dick face. 

Why can you be with so many girls, not use condoms and care less, do all this to them and me? What am I, the youngest and so I can’t experience the same things? No rough things, no dirty talk, no hickeys.. Just blow jobs for you. That’s all. That’s it. But me? I can’t have another guy. Oh, no. God forbid I try to be with another guy. 

I have and currently do so much for you. But I can’t even get the smallest things from you. I can’t even put my feelings into words i’m so angry.

ARGGGGG.